back to school, week 1

not completely done with week 1 -- it seems both like forever ago and just a blink ago that this week started, after much anticipation, much sweat and [sometimes tears] stressing about putting together an entirely new classroom in an entirely new and small school.

some funny / inspiring / surprising moments of this week that involve both my students and (in an pleasantly unexpected way) my parents:

- best random phrase said to me by a student while i was trying to faciliate a teambuilding game: "miss, why do you have a hickey on your neck?" (to which i simply and calmly said, "yeah, i don't think i have one" (which i didn't!) and moved on. the wonders of being in your third year of teaching and being able to brush off wacky comments!)

- most inspiring moment so far: in a discussion about humanities and how history and literature represent the human condition, i played the song and youtube clip of strange fruit for all my classes. some students were moved so much they were crying in class. but besides that one young, outspoken young woman spoke up and talked about her grandmother's family being lynched and how she didn't want anyone to think that the song was funny or to react in an immature way and think seriously about the song. this young person is definitely someone i'm gonna focus on getting to really step up this year...

- least surprising moment so far: hearing that the students have asked the only other asian teacher at the school (who's vietnamese) if she and i are sisters. i've emphasized at least three times afterwards that i'm filipino. starred it on my map in my classroom and everything. talked to students how in the philippines we call our towns "barrios" too... am i doin too much? probably. will they know who are filipinos are by the end of this year? yes.

- interesting, to say the least, fact about my students so far: i have one pregnant student at 4 months; one male student who brought in his 2-week baby afterschool on the first day. boy, was that a trip seeing this young "man" holding this tiny little baby with the look of such maturity but at the same time seeming, still, so young. i hear another student might also be pregnant...

- which leads to the unexpected moment of the week: i had dinner with my parents the first day, and told them about the young parents in my classes. my mom brushed it off, sayin she wasn't surprised. my dad however, suddenly went deep into contemplation mode and all the sudden started talking about how at 18, he got this 16-year old girl pregnant. i already knew about having a long-lost sister, but i've never truly had such an open conversation with him about it, let alone with him AND my mom at the same time. i dunno if it's just me getting older, but it's nice having open conversations about seemingly taboo topics with your parents...

he told me how it wasn't even his girlfriend at the time, how he went off to the service when she got pregnant, and later returned years later to be sued by the mom. he talked about wanting to meet her, but not knowing how to go about it.

it's crazy cuz i remember growing up with two older brothers who at timed seemed too cool, too old, or too male-oriented to be close to. that and they were always farting on me or making me do random "projects" for them like making tap ramen for them or smelling their dirty socks. i always felt like having a sister would alleviate me and my need for a female presence in my life, besides my barbies and my mom who worked a lot. who knows... maybe i'll look my "sister" up on facebook one day... altho i hardly would know what to say...

anywhos. in a nutshell, so far (even tho it ain't over), good, positive, inspiring week. it's easy to get bogged down in planning, re-planning, prepping, and all the other hundred things to do when you're teaching. but when you go to work and see a bunch of bright eyed, honest, outspoken and energetic young people curious about the world, it's hard not to want to be good for them.

today's WTF moment: all my life gone terribly wrong

wow. who remembers playing the piano tune to this song? well, watch this clip (at 1:48 is when it gets damn good), and just watch the madness unravel...

and i thought k-ci was freakin loco...




my #1 favorite moment: "pick him up, man!"
runner up favorite moment: what k-ci keeps doing after 1:48 drops.

WHAT THE FUCK??

today's WTF moment: texas teachers allowed to carry guns

class is in session

found this as the first headline on google news just now: Texas district allows teachers to carry concealed weapons, as a mode of self defense, in their classrooms.

directly taken from the policy of Harrold Independent school district (a 110-student district), located in northern Texas, this is how they justify letting educators to "pack heat," as news media has been saying:

Recognizing that District schools are located in a somewhat isolated area and that response from emergency first responders, including law enforcement personnel, takes a minimum of approximately 30 minutes, the Board adopts the following policy to address concerns about effective and timely response to emergency situations at schools, including invasion of the schools by an armed outsider, hostage situations, students who are armed and posing a direct threat of physical harm to themselves or others, and similar circumstances.

ummm, yeah. instead of blasting on and on about the ridiculousness of this policy, i'll just leave it with some questions:

• if you can't handle making a safe learning community for 110 students (!!), how's adding guns into the equation gonna make it any better?
• guns are supposed to be "concealed." who says that students, or anybody for that matter, won't be able to find a way to get to those weapons?
• dude, there are teachers who can't even manage their own classrooms, who irresponsibly and unethically have relatinoships with their students, who feel threatened by their own students for unvalid and sometimes valid reasons: what about the equation of inept/disillusioned teacher + weapon = a very scary situation?
• if teachers can defend themselves, why can't students? [seems like a dumb question, i know. teachers are more experienced, more knowledgeable adults. but this just created an even bigger power hierarchy between students and teachers, where teachers are not only the "holders of knowledge," now they're basically the police too. i know that teachers aren't supposed to be using the weapons as classroom management tools, but let's not act like bringing in guns into the classroom doesn't create yet another complicated power dynamic.
  
• why not think of preventative measures for columbine-like experiences, for student conflict, instead of thinking of a reactionary bandaid solution, that, inevitably, will probably make matters even worse!!!!???!
• what the fuck??
  

5 things i learned as an ABDC audience member

so the sistamaestra chris corpus had a homie kaywon (thanks dude!) that hooked it up with tickets to last week's episode of america's best dance crew. being the only folks who didn't have work at that time (summer vacation babyyyy), we jumped on the chance to see my fave fanny pack (and my other secret fave, lil mama.... read below). to our surprise, it was quite the experience, on many different levels...

1. haterade is everywhere
now, i know ABDC is a competition, and there's bound to be shit-talkers and haters (i.e. "know your rank" is so stupidly militaristic, it's grosses me out). but i'm not even talkin about the contestants; i'm talkin about our wild experience just getting into the studio.

me, chris, and other homie aylene check-in and get wrist bands. we end up getting two different colored wrist bands, yellow and turqoise. we walk across the street to the studio and are greeted by a rockstar energy drink girl, who tells us to take a free can and wait at the side. sweet, we get free drinks and i am still on my master cleanse lemonade regiment. minutes later, i notice not all folks are waiting with us, and i look around and see a bunch of females -- tryin to find a common ground among us. hmm. is it the dresses? no, cuz chris is wearin jeans. is it cuz we're small and we won't block anyone? nope, cuz a tall skinny white girl crew joins us. is it the collection of gargantually big breasts i see to my left? nope. suddenly, chris, aylene and i are feeling a tad bit uncomfortable with our free rockstars and "special" wristbands. the discomfort then turns to hate towards females we don't wanna associate ourselves with, which turns to self-hate in thinking, damn, should i have worn a longer dress? do i/we look like i belong with these beezies?

some official dude with a headset walks up to us and tells us we're the "lucky" ones who get to sit in the front. to which the big-breast crew responds with, "yeah we know, we've been here before." official dude proceeds to tell us to walk with him, and of course, we must pass by an entire group of folks who aren't designated to sit in the front.

i'm just trying to channel my i'm-on-the-master-cleanse-just-stay-positive vibe, while chris and aylene keep making "wtf-is-going-on" faces, and then i hear the classic comment come from the folks we're passing by: "OH, IT'S CUZ THEY ALL HOES."

ha. chris's blood pressure proceeds to skyrocket. i kinda think to myself, "well, there are girls in the front of our line wearing hoe uniforms, so i can't be that mad..." it went from me hatin on our fellow "vip-ers", to me hatin myself, to being hated on. we have to still wait with our vip crew for about an hour, forced to listen to ignorant ass conversations and groupie talk. this whole two-hour waiting ordeal kinda makes me wonder, what the hell is the protocol for being in situations like this? i'm still wrappin my head around it...

2. judge shane sparks is uber small
like, my height. and old at the same time. who knew?

3. lil mama is high-larious
i don't care if she can't read filipino spelling of names and calls contestants "aliens," i think she's a hoot. the whole time she was pretend singing into her microphone during breaks and messin with the audience. maybe it's my experience working with goofy ass youth (cut her some slack, lil mama's young!), but i want her to be my friend.

4. i can still do the running man. i think.
while the judges are making their decision, the audience is split into different teams and compete for next episode's tickets by dancing like maniacs. i know it sounds uber cheesy, and i was afraid that if they taped it, they would edit my wtf face out of the scene, but lo and behold, i found myself slidin, gyrating, and knee-slappin like the rest of em. and it was flippin fun.

5. i prob won't be an audience member again
not to say it wasn't fun -- it was. and the performances are so much better watching live. and it's interesting see all the behind-the-scenes stuff and the elaborate stage setup. but reliving a one-hour episode in a four-hour process prob ain't gonna happen again.

go fanny pack!

mc day 6 and 7 aka miss universe boggles my mind

lady gaga performs at miss universe 2008. a bit awkward, maybe?

more about my detox later. while workin on my summer reading with the tv on in the background, my roommate and i came upon yesterday's miss universe contest, this year held in vietnam. immediately my wtf-face came on as i watched the opening sequence of national costumes. my mind couldn't wrap around all these questions:

1. what's with the freaking sexy stripper gazes at the camera? was miss universe always this freakin sexy, aka slutty?
2. what in the world is with the juxtaposition of lady gaga and her asexual dance troup with the scantily clad contestants boppin around like go go dancers?
3. who the hell decided it would be a genius idea for jerry springer to co-host with scary spice?
4. why does miss usa fall AGAIN during the evening gown competition (altho i prefer last year's flop)? is that what usa gets?
5. does anyone else think miss usa looks like a bootleg rihanna before she hired a stylist?
6. does this contest not remind you of a grown-up version of little miss sunshine? but even more disturbing?
7. must donald trump objectify both women and entire cultures to promote his resort empire? really? (i tried finding a clip of the contestants sporting bikinis and chinaman hats in the vietnamese jungle, but i couldn't. damnit.)
8. why can't i change the damn channel???

sad to say, i was both perturbed and entertained at the same time. bah.

anyhoo, back to the cleanse: easily made it through day 6 and 7 without any mishaps. well, i am tired of wiping my ass (and so is my sore ass), and i thought of licking the sauce off my niece's pizza, but besides that it's been smooth sailing. woke up this morning (day 8), and found some new frontier in the toilet -- i will refrain from descriptions for now. my tongue is sorrrrrta becoming pink, but still has those icky white spots.

3 more days, i can see the promiseland! yummy soup, here i come!

to celebrate my week anniversary of the cleanse, my favorite clip from little miss sunshine:

mc day 5: first midnight ride

midnight ridazz through LA

forget posting about my regular poo poo cleanse routine, let's talk about my first midnight ride! i'm sad to say i didn't take any photos from the night, but let me me briefly describe the experience.

me and the jerm, hoe, and jeff, met up homies mike, maya, rani, jason and others at the chinatown metro spot. immediately you realize that this is more like a party than a bike ride, with people fistin beer cans left and right, maryjane in the air and some woodstock music blastin. turns out i didn't get the memo that it's tie-dyed night and a bunch of folks are rockin bright ass hippie gear. not to mention the plethora of hipsters abounding the crowd. drew was nice enough to loan out some lights to folks in need. woulda been nice to down a beer and join the crowd, but my lemonade will have to do. i dunno about my newbie ass under the influence on my first ride anyway -- i'm alreadya concerned about not crashing into people.

finally we take off in some random direction and we're off. throughout the ride, you see LA down town in the distance, goin up and down mild hills, with a sea of red lights flashin in front of you, cars honkin props to you, dudes trailin speakers on their bikes blastin goodies and oldies. i'm doin good and then i suddenly realize after goin down a hill, that no matter how hard i try to whisp my precious little legs on the pedals, folks are hella passin me by. turns out i think my automatic speed shift is not so automatic, and i feel like an incompetent rider tryin to keep up with the homies. but it's all goo d-- i def felt the love around me, folks askin me if i was cool, jerm tryin to hold on to my bike and give me a boost. def got my workout on -- altho it was weird cuz i felt i was exertin way more effort than other folks.

did a lot of stops -- some seemed longer than they needed to be. but took advantage of the stops to down some needed lemonade energy. eventually ended up on a bridge, and some weirdos started climbin up and lighting firecrackers, so our mob decided to fly solo and go back to the startin point. turns out a couple of our folks got left behind cuz of some other people crashing. took a scenic route through j-town, through olivera street and back to chinatown. i made it!

definitely wanna do it again, and def wanna make sure my gears are fully workin by then. and add beer to the equation! day 5 of cleanse done -- halfway through baby!

to capture the ride a bit better, a little doc of the midnight ridazz:

mc day 4 aka guess who got a bike snitches!

morning
woke up several times startin from 5:45 am with the lax tea cramps (again). the tea entitled "smooth move" ain't so smooth after all. for some reason, didn't have an urge to do the do until i took the salt water. which, i must say, is getting a lot easier to drink.

afternoon-ish
after babysitting went on a mission to find a bike and ended up splurgin on that pretty young thang you see up there -- her name is nancy. after thinkin it all through, esp since i was gonna paint the $200 one and maybe revise it more, i decided might as well splurge and get one that's already ready to go -- booked to santa monica to pick up the size i needed. apparently a 24" bike, which i find most comfortable, is supposed to be for kids.
i dunno if you could see from the chart above, but 24" bikes are made for about 13 year olds (highlighted in pink in the chart). seems i am the size of half my age, yes! and, two different bike store dudes kept tryin to get me to get a bigger bike, by either whispering to my friend that "uh, i dunno if she knows this, but those are kid bikes," or giving me a funny look and directing me to the more adult bikes.

anyways, after bringin it home, ended up takin a nice ride to wilson park at sunset and ahead of me i saw a reflection of me riding as a little girl:

maybe i can add tassles to mine too! i don't look THAT young on a bike, do i?

night
overall, this lemonade cleanse is becoming routine and i don't really think about it too much. added an extra tablespoon to my servings, and its given me more energy. plannin to do a midnight ride tomorrow with homies across la, so that should be fun! i'm gonna need more lemonade tho!

goodbye day four! less than a week left!

mc: day tres

morning

woke up and tried doin the salt enema thing by taking a shot of salt and water, then chasin with two cups of water. was a lot easier, but i didn't have a very satisfying movement. it's either because i didnt do the tea, or this shot of salt procedure doesnt work very well. but it seems jeff did pretty damn good. oh well. spent most of my mornin chattin it up online, tryin to get advice about bikes. i'm spreadin the detox love to my car and gonna get the insides fresh and clean, then goin bike shoppin! yee!

afternoon

wow, my car is the cleanest it's been since i bought it. forgot that my car was a glitter grayish color haha. i've made a pact with myself that i will not leave crumbs or mascara all over my car anymore.

and then there's bike shopping. bikes are more complicated than i envisioned. here's my options this far:

jeff put me on to this really nice bike, costs about $400.

pretty huh? altho i dunno if i'm really gonna ride $400 worth of this thing.

then we went to another spot and saw this little 24" guy.

definitely not as fancy as the other one. i'm just bein a princess really, cuz i like the colors and the features of the other one. maybe i can just get the cheaper one and buy a keyboard, a beat machine, some trumpet ma-bobber, a mic, and be like this guy:

no really, i was plannin on getting a keyboard and watching this really makes me wanna make some music. haha, it's not like i can play beyond reading notes off of alicia keys and norah jones and shit, but doesn't that shit look fun! i dunno, somethin about having hella time on my hands gives me a craving to get creative. it's like when you're busy working, you know you're being productive... right now, i feel like i'm just floatin...

i also managed to watch jerm eat a whole plate of chicken, garlic sauce and falafel without shooting myself in the eye. i just had a good portion of lemonade, and i really didn't even feel like wanting to reach over and grab a bite. had this been a few days ago, i'd probably taken at least half of his portion, but nope. i noticed myself salivating, but not really psychologically wanting to eat his food.

night

just came back from a karaoke bar for a homie mike's bday. watched folks drink and eat (this time, pastrami sandwich and chili fries). couldn't help but to pick up the plate of chili fries and take a big whiff -- altho it didn't really smell all that great. again, salivating but not really wanting to eat. feelin a lil headache as i drink my lax tea. i think i might increase my maple syrup intake -- not sure if i'm gettin the right amount, since you can vary it a bit.

anyways, i think i'ma cop that smaller bike tomorrow! excited. day three dunzo!

mc: day dos

morning
hmmph. woke up at 5:30 this morning with icky cramps and tried to sleep through it, but the pain made me get up and release. it's kinda like someone's blowing up a really hard balloon in your abdomen while twisting and turning your insides. ick. i need to time the tea better, since it kicks in 6-7 hours. went back to sleep and woke up at 9 to go babysit. on the way there, i downed half of the salt water enema in my car (whew! no accidents in the car!), then downed the rest of it while my 3-year old niece was waiting for me to play "Beauty in the Beast" on the piano. "come on auntie, you can do it! i'll give you a gold star!" haha. that sure helped getting that crap down. spent the rest of the morning running around with 3 little crazy kids.

afternoon
ugh, feelin pretty tired and slightly weak again. altho i am pretty proud that i've been surrounded by food allllll day -- bacon and fried rice, banana cue, raisin cinnamon bread, a freaking whole broiled halibut -- but it hasn't really phased me. i actually enjoy smelling the food -- shit, if i can't eat it i might as well smell the deliciousness. lemonade's makin my tongue feel all pasty. i got tired just carrying my 1-year old nephew and now i'm gonna take a nap.

night
nap did me good. did a whole hour of yoga! felt really good; after tentatively goin through the moves to see how high my energy was, my moves started to feel a lot more, i guess, mindful and strong. i remember my yoga instructor from college saying that you need to lose all attachments (i.e. distractions, inner thoughts about not doing it right or looking good in front of others) while you're trying to be present in the moment of doing the moves. and i think this cleanse is startin to feel the same way -- i'm not so attached to having to eat food or even be bothered by not being able to eat food in front of me. it's nice bein able to listen to your body and its needs and not have to give in to comfort.

went to barnes and nobles and bought wayyy more books than i need to read. but i'm startin to research all the world history contexts that go along with my books, so i bought guns, germs and steel by jared diamond, which looks to be really interesting. anyways, i started feelin weak again on the way home, so i drank an extra 8 oz of the lemonade. dunno if that's cheating, but my body says i need some calories. no tea tonight, i'm takin a break from shit for the moment. day two finito!

to do tomorrow: clean the insides of my car, read on the beach, maybe run, and do those damn blog entries i've been meanin to do...

master cleanse: day 1

morning-ish
woke up at 9am to my stomach gurgling, and took a refreshing #2. was pretty tired still, so went back to sleep and then woke up a min later and realized i wasn't quite done. went back to sleep and didnt get up again til about 12:45. yay for vacation.

went to trader joe's and whole foods to buy maple syrup grade B (it's the unprocessed good stuff) and cayenne pepper (somethin in it helps your stomach from feeling hungry). i tried to ignore all the vibrant, fresh, and yummy smelling food surrounding me and booked straight to the appropriate aisles. thought to myself, damn, i won't be eating any of you beautiful things for the next 10 days :(

came back and did the salt water enema. realized that i had to drink a full quart (thats 32 ounces; two regular-sized water bottles) of that gross salty water stuff. i don't even have any cups that big, so i had to take it in two loads. almost yacked midway, but evnetually finished it like a champ. 20-ish minutes later, had a grand time peeing out my butt (ha, sorry.).

finally by 2pm, made some spicy lemonade. put wayyyy too much cayenne the first time, but it sure does taste good. hopefully i'll have energy to work out later to day. we'll see.

since i'm on vacation i know i gotta establish some routines for this week, to stop me from being bored out of my mind thinking of food all day. so, this is what i intend to do at least everyday this week:
- work out: either yoga at home, or cardio at the gym, or run. i hate running; but last time i did the cleanse i was able to the most running i've ever done, so i'ma try to challenge myself.
- read read read: i'ma try to cleanse myself from other distracting toxins like television (damn, i can't watch food network or anthony bourdain's no reservations!), shopping, bull shittin online (altho i've already spent like 3 hours g-chatting) and read instead. i need to read at least 5 books this summer since i'm teaching a new grade this coming year. that and i started obama's book about his dad -- it's pretty good so far.
- do somethin outdoors: i can't stay cooped up here at home, so i'll either go to the beach, park, or do some kinda hike and try to free my mind a lil bit.
- cleanse other areas in my life: i need to wash my car! figure out my financial loans, blah blah.
- create somethin: blog, write, paint?, play the piano... somethin like that.


afternoon
just finished chillin on my new patio furniture, reading song of the hummingbirds by graciela limon -- a heartwrenching account of an aztec princess turned slave turned concubine about the spanish conquest of tenochtitlan. then researched spanish colonization on the net. meanwhile, i've already drank 5 out of 6 big cups of the lemonade (about 16 oz each), and i'm feelin a lil weak. not so much hungry -- my stomach growled only once -- but my body just feels weak. probably won't work out til tomorrow. i'm already thinking about food, specifically this lovely piece of sourdough bread staring me in the face lying on the dining table. not cuz i'm hungry, only cuz my mouth is bored of drinking acid. i feel like taking a nap.

night
day one is nearing its end and i gotta say, it's been a long day tryin to occupy my time, drink crazy amounts of liquid and not think of food. coulda gone out bowling with homies, but i honestly don't feel like being social. i'm sittin here watching anthony bourdain's no reservations -- an episode about malaysia and laos, and i keep seeing these bomb ass dishes, but i don't feel like turnin the tv off. maybe this is training for me to be in front of folks who are eating food later in this week.

anyways, day one wasn't so bad. a lot of gurgling in the stomach that confuses me for hunger, but i think i'm just adjusting to this liquid diet. gotta babysit three youngins tomorrow; we'll see how that goes. i will do yoga for sure tomorrow... day one done!

master cleanse, prelude to day 1: goodbye food!

my awesome diet for the next 7-10 days

i've decided, after being a glutton for the past month or so and not working out consistently, that i'm going to embark on the master cleanse for the second time this year. it's basically a process where you drink this special lemonade all day, and drink a salt water concoction in the morning and a laxative tea at night to help you release those bugaboos in your body.

what are my specific reasons for doin the cleanse?
1. to detoxify all this crap i've been consuming -- damn, ever since summer vacation i swear i've been eating a major meal at least three times a day.
2. to get back to healthy habits -- i.e. working out, eating better, paying attention to what's good for me; and doin the cleanse is a good jump start. swear, last time i did it, i paid attention to random shit like flossing everyday and doing my bed and eating better and working out; just taking better care of myself.
3. it's a good time for me to start the cleanse, since it's halfway into the year since the last time i did it. i did it at the beginning of this year, and it surprisingly worked wonders for my energy and health habits, so i think this is a good time -- about 6/7 months later, to do it again. plus, i'm on summer vacation now (yipppeee), and i don't have to worry about shitting out my insides (yes!) at school in front of my students.
4. i know this isn't a good reason, but it doesn't hurt that you lose some weight through the cleanse -- i know you gain at least half of it back, but it'll be a good jump start to tone up.

what am i not looking forward to?
- not eating! i'm gonna try to do ten days. but we'll see how it goes day by day. last time i did seven, and by the time i hit day seven, i was ready to eat anything. but supposedly the toxins don't really start movin out your body til day 8...
- laxative tea -- the one i bought's called "smooth move" -- wahhhoo! it makes your stomach cramp in the middle of the night ( you take it before you sleep); and your alarm in the morning ends up being your need to do a #2.
- and mostly, the salt enema: you gotta down a jug of water with a heaping spoon of sea salt to release all your insides in the morning. gotta be the nastiest thing i've drank.
- not eating!

there's plenty of journals out there of folks who've done the master cleanse. this one's pretty detailed and funny. don't know if i'm gonna post pics of myself in a bikini, but i will try to document the different ebbs of emotion and cravings, and maybe even some toilet descriptions, in the next week or so.

alright, my smooth move tea has just finished brewing. cheers to clean intestines!!!!

best bet awards performance: alicia key's homage to female artists

seein all the performance clips from the bet awards show, all the performances were pretty dang impressive. from chris brown rompin with ciara to usher dancin his arse off, and keyshia cole singing a tad off key and huffing and puffin on stage, to big boi and luda guestin on t-pain's setto lil wayne tearin it up with t-pain, my favorite performance i gotta say was alicia keys' tribute to female artists.

dang, alicia keys' performance made me miss them days when you had all these strong female groups -- with solid vocals, sing-a-long slow jams, and no need for crazy choreography. swv and t-boz lookin pretty damn grown, and chili and en vogue still look good!

and a close close close runnerup for best performance goes to maxwell in the al green tribute. dude freakin killed it. sexy style.

and worse performance? fergie's scraggly lookin, needs to wax her forehead, fugly man-ish ass on nelly's set. and was that keri hilson lip synching? i mean is that melody really that hard to sing live?

Bush to GMA: "I am reminded of the great talent of the -- of our Philippine-Americans when I eat dinner at the White House."

we're talented, he says. woopdeedoo.

So our esteemed President said the above quote during a meeting with the equally esteemed President of the Philippines today.

Hmm. It doesn't help that:

1) filipinos and filipino americans are a major source of labor across this country and across this world, working their asses off in hotels, cruise ships, airports, hospitals, etc. yes, the executive white house chef is a filipina and bush may be more familiar with lumpia and sinagang, but shit, can we be a tad bit more appreciative of the work that's put in by our folks?

or that

2) the recent typhoon that hit the Philippines and capsized a ferry of over 800 people hardly makes it appropriate or timely for el presidente to discuss "the culinary talent" of "Phillipine-Americans."

and also that

3) Further in the transcript of the meeting, Bush speaks about his and GMA's so-called collective efforts at counter-terrorism:

I congratulated the President on her strong stand on counterterrorism -- more than strong stand -- effective stand on counterterrorism, as well as laying out a vision for peace. The President has been very strong in having a carrots-and-sticks approach -- "sticks," of course, say we're not going to allow for people to terrorize our citizens; the "carrot" approach is that there's peace available.

When both are responsible for the deaths of folks across the world -- either through the result of an unsupported and ill-planned war or through the killing of countless political activists -- it's hard to read that either of these folks is really speaking about "a vision for peace."

---

in more personal-related blog entries, expect an upcoming one on my last day of school (i'm waiting for students to send me pictures!, the long anticipated end of mercury in retro, and a possible end to mental constipation.... enjoy the summmmmer!

FUCK.

stab me in the heart. like six times.

i know it's been awhile, but i've been busy watching this laker gat dang championship series. and i'm watching the final game right now (yes final, cuz the lakers are just showing that they just did NOT FUCKING WANT IT).

what's the best metaphor can i use for how i feel right now?

- it's like having a long-time relationship (from the 80s, circa magic and james worthy and ac green) where you've put all your faith in a solid relationship and the first time they fuck up (ahem, game 1), you think, alright that was just one time. and then they stab you in the heart one mo' gin (i.e. game 4), but then suck it up and you have faith in the relationship and then they just fuck you over... one play... one game... at a time. it hurts goddamnit!

myeh. i must say this run has built a lot of camaraderie across friends, family, students, etc. even laker hater patrick feels the pain! i haven't yelled, talked so much shit, texted so much, or had my blood pressure rise so much in a damn while... there's gonna be a lot of depressed heads tomorrow cuz it's all over. what can i say..... BYNUM OH-FUCKING-NINE!! BAH!

now i gotta figure how exactly i'm gonna drown my sorrows...

mental constipation

my brain is in a state of bloating, cramping, and constipation, over too many important decisions i need to make in the next week or so. i got too much shit in my head that i'm constantly thinking about, analyzing, and i just need a sense of release pronto!

decisions #1:
- i've been interviewing and doing sample teaching lessons with several green dot charter schools, and i'm trying to figure out if i want to move to a smaller, more focused community. i'm at a point as a teacher where i'm reaching my third year, and i need a space i know i can commit to, and can thrive in. question is, do i wanna stick it out and stay at my current school? or do i wanna start brand new at a smaller school. it seems that the more i see about these charter schools, the more i realize that it IS going to be a lot of work -- getting accustomed to a new space, having to work harder with a smaller staff, being held perhaps even more accountable because of the small space. but staying at my school right now is also going to require a lot of work -- stepping up in leardership roles to continue restructure a struggling school, navigating a bigger school, etc. i love love love the student culture at my school, but i'm not sure i can really thrive there as a teacher. i'm still deciding. and it hurts my head -- especially because i won't ever really know if i make the right decision, because that kinda shit takes time when you're teaching...

decision #2
- well, it's not really a decision; it's more like a showdown! showdown with my parents that is -- phatty and i are planning to finally have that talk with the parents about living together. i keep playing the scene in my head and i imagine different responses: my dad shuts down, i get mad and yell and cry, and find the nearest exit; my dad shuts down, then has a heart attack, then i feel responsible; my dad shuts down, then smacks either me or patrick or both up side the head with a bible. ha. it's a very funny situation when i sit down and write about it, but oh freakin my, it's not gonna be when it all goes down. wish us luck folks!

decision #3
- turns out my lease ends at the end of june. do i 1) move back in with the parents, and risk reapin the wrath of parents who think i'm a fornicater! and then go, thanks for letting me stay, i'm gonna set up shop with my live in lover, now! or 2) do i spend hella money on a place, and just wait for phatty to show up, or 3) do i spend some time in the bay and store my shit somewhere, or 4) do i sublet with some random folks? it's maybe not as stressful as the above two situations, but it is a freaking hassle moving shit around. bah.

and i don't think i or my body responds well to stress. i find myself working out less and sleeping a hell of a lot more. hopefully by next week, my brain will have a satisfying movement and released all this anxiety... but i don't think it's gonna be as simple as that...

michelle malkin can suck my toe hair

fashion no no??

in the usual procrastination routine this evening, while perusing google news, i came across this article about dunkin donuts pulling an advertisement of rachael ray, because folks were protesting her choice to wear a scarf affiliated with "terrorism."

i already thought, man this is stupid -- do right wing folks reeeeeaaally think that if the girl-next-door-turned-food-network-star-turned-entrepreneur dons a scarf that [doesn't really] resemble arab attire, that's gonna send a message that dunkin donuts (and therefore mainstream america) is pro-terrorist? it went from dissing obama for not wearing a flag pin, and now this...

and THEN, i realized one of the folks behind this protest is the one and only michelle malkin -- filipina known for backing japanese internment camps, anti-immigration, and just plain wiggity wack wack. here's some classic quotes from her conservative blog about the ad:

the keffiyeh, for the clueless, is the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad. Popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos, the apparel has been mainstreamed by both ignorant (and not so ignorant) fashion designers, celebrities and left-wing icons.

ok, so i realize that urban outfitters has helped in this fashion trend. and that there are folks who could care less about where their fashion trends come from nor do many folks have the desire to understand the culture these stylistic choices represent -- i.e. asian tattoos, hip hop, gwen stefani's harajuku girls, etc. that i will give to malkin. but the rhetoric of "murderous palestinian jihad" and "beheading and hostage-taking" -- hmmmm, really?? it's one thing to understand where fashion trends come from, and how culture is commodified for consumers; it's another thing to censor stylistic choices in the name of patriotism, fear, and racism.
malkin goes ahead to reference various celebrities, including kanye west, who have sported the "hate couture." (YOU'RE talkin about hate, malkin?) she then clenches the moment to put in a plug for her favored presidential candidate:

So has Meghan McCain [worn a scarf], daughter of the GOP presidential candidate, who really ought to know better given that her dad positions himself as the candidate best equipped to "confront the transcendent challenge of our time: the threat of radical Islamic terrorism.

and then there's my favorite part of her commentary, where she responds to what she considers left-wing criticism of dunkin donuts yanking the ad:

It's just a scarf, the clueless keffiyeh-wearers scoff. Would they say the same of fashion designers who marketed modified Klan-style hoods in Burberry plaid as the next big thing?

Fashion statements may seem insignificant, but when they lead to the mainstreaming of violence -- unintentionally or not -- they matter. Ignorance is no longer an excuse. In post-9/11 America, vigilance must never go out of style.

since when are right wing folks like malkin concerned with fighting racism or any symbolic representation of it? how is malkin going to back japanese interment camps -- a systematic and public demonstration of racism, and then decry the ku klux clan as harmful? and how about we start to think about how many people have died because of violence in war across the world, as opposed to the "mainstreaming of violence" supposedly symbolized by a flippin scarf?

i seriously need to read up on michelle malkin and figure out how this pinay (do i call her that?) came to think the way she does.............


-------
addition:

from epicurian.com, some good commentary on the keffiyeh:

of course, malkin glosses over the fact that the kaffiyeh is a staple of arab wardrobes all over the middle east (jordanians prefer red-and-white ones, kuwaitis all-white ones, etc.), not simply among those using violent means to create a palestinian state. simply saying that anyone who wears a kaffiyeh is demonstrating solidarity with islamic terrorists is like saying anyone who wears a beret believes in cuban-style communism as espoused by che guevara. true, arafat made it his trademark, but it's critical to remember that to a vast number of arabs, the kaffiyeh's basically just another kind of hat, and that to equate kaffiyeh-wearers with terrorists sets a dangerous precedent in a country that should have learned by now the pitfalls of underestimating the complexities of arab (and muslim) cultures.

unless, of course, malkin actually is saying that all kaffiyeh-wearing arabs are jihadists and terrorists, which is certainly something she'd conceivably say.

WORD.

laaaaaakers baby

in honor of the lakers beatin jazz in six games, and after yelling at the tv screen with sweaty palms and abnormal blood pressure, here's a ridiculous post inspired by conversations with homie mary dizon.

i present: laker and jazz lookalikes (it's too late and too hot to come up with a better title, ok?)

+

=

and then there's mary's favorite, rocky's nemesis, ivan drago:







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and then there's my fave...






=

















yeah! best post EVER!

couldn't quite figure out what this guy looks like tho...


GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LAKERS!

lock down at locke high

student at Locke High school involved in estimated 600-student fight

the usual response to youth violence

lock-down policy in effect

the la times and other mainstream media outlets have described what went down at locke high school last friday as a "huge racial brawl," in which a reported 600 students got down over tensions between brown and black students. the conflict was said to have surfaced over a rivalry between tagger crews at the high school. others, including an intervention specialist sent to the campus post-brawl, say the problems are more systemic:

"Historically black Watts has changed rapidly to a Latino-majority community, with gangs of both ethnicities claiming overlapping turf in the economically depressed streets. Locke's student body is about 65% Latino and 35% African American."

i don't work at locke high school, so i can't exactly discuss the causes for what happened last week. but i do know that i can see the same tensions at the school where i work, which has the same demographic of brown and black students, coupled with a sprinkling of filipino, tongan, samoan, vietnamese, arab and south asian kids. there isn't any explicit beef between students, altho there are fights every now and then between blacks and browns, blacks on blacks, browns on browns, and so on.

i recall two years ago, walking out of my classroom as a student-teacher to several fights breaking out over campus as one black student took off his shirt to thrown down with an oncoming crowd of angry latino students. local police were called in, sportin shot guns and helmets, as teachers and staff tried to quell the commotion. similar "race riots" occurred at the school a decade ago.

besides more explicit shows of hostility, i could sense an underlying tension between different groups on campus as a teacher. what i love most about my school is the pride students have in their culture, as we have numerous cultural clubs from filipino, mecha, african american student body and pacific islander clubs. but what i also notice is the inability (or maybe just the lack of desire) to connect with other groups. for african american history month, i took my class (mostly of latino students) to the african american history assembly and to my dismay my students slouched in their chairs, chatting with their neighbors, hardly caring about the pride and sweat black students put into their awesome show. during cinco de mayo, i had my class do a reading of a poem from the chicano movement and again to my dismay, i noticed my black students rolling their eyes, giving sass as to why we were reading "this shit." the same girl who rolled her eyes at the poem, rolled her eyes once again as i played merengue music a latino student had brought in to play for the class.

sometimes i think i'm nitpicking when it comes to noticing things like that, but i also believe that these subtleties in the classroom, along with the fights outside, along with systemic issues like gang warfare, migration patterns, and our inability to acknowledge the fear and depression youth carry, and the prison system and racism, and so much more -- we need to discuss all these concerns openly with youth and treat them as the smart individuals that they are. many of them may not be able to pass friday's test or sit still in a classroom, but shit, all of em know the conditions they live in and how that affects their livelihood everyday.

but we prefer to enact lock down policies, where we bring in law enforcement, arrest youth, lock in the "good" and execute the "bad-ass" ones, slowly return the good students back to their parents, call it a night, and return the next morning like nothing happened. this lock down policy represents the inclination to not just lock down classrooms, but to shut down any dialogue about what the real problems are. just as my students are shoved off their own campus as the bell rings (and even restrooms are shut down right afterschool), told not to "congregate" at near-by businesses (including food joints), the conflicts that arise between different cultures, different clicks and sets are thrown under the rug in silence. and again, the idea that "this is just the way it is" is reinforced through that silence.

so what the hell can we do instead?

i can't say i have a clear answer. but i do know that we can start with more honesty -- acknowledging the problem, as crenshaw high did on saturday to show solidarity in the community for its youth. we can start with discussing the similar struggles brown and black and yellow and red and all people of color have had to endure, as the african american history museum in l.a. showcases the little-known history of the african presence in mexico, showing through the first of june.

so, i would say, that's a start... but what else?

an ode to mama(s)

she's bathed all our bottoms in the same sink since day one

because of religious reasons, my family has never really celebrated mother's day. and it's always been a time when i try to compensate for my dad's and brothers' decision to not acknowledge mother's day, in which i buy or make some kind of personal gift for my mom.

this year, i took my mama to see mamma mia -- and to my delight, she spent the whole time clapping along to those cheesy recognizable (and yes, fun) abba songs, laughing to all the sexual pun jokes (whoah there, mom!), and commenting on how good the singers were. there was a moment when the mother gets her daughter ready for her wedding by brushing her hair and helping her into her wedding gown. the mother character started singing this sentimental song and all the sudden i started tearing up. i peered at my mom through the corner of my eye, trying to hide those embarrassing tears. i suppose i was just caught up in sharing a rare moment with my mom where she wasn't working hard for the rest of the family to be well-fed and well taken-care-of, where she wasn't jittering around the house cleaning up after others, and finally, she wasn't the last person to sit down, relax, and enjoy herself.

the older i get, the more i realize how selfless my mom really is, and how much real work she has clocked in since day one. i've developed this relationship with my mom, where i somehow always manage to give her a snappy attitude, even when she means well. like when she's the last to eat, i respond with some sharp comment about her needing to stop babying everyone else. the attitude doesn't come so much from bein mad at her selflessness; i think i just want to see my mom put herself first for once in her life.

we live in a patriarchal society where men are the "head of the household" -- a phrase my dad has used many times in discussing the way things operate with our family. but mothers, i believe, are and have always been the primary foundations for families. my mom has always been the one to take care of my dad, my big ass brothers, myself, and now the grandkids. and it's funny how the word "care-taker" doesn't hold as much steam as "head of the household" or disciplinarian. but i think it should -- because if it weren't for all the care and love and labor that moms give wholeheartedly, families, and especially my family, would fall apart. if it wasn't for my paternal grandmother, who raised my dad on her own for 13 years when my grandfather went to hawaii to work in the sugarcane fields, i wouldn't have a father who knows hard work and discipline. if it wasn't for my maternal grandmother who helped pay for an entire extended family's education by sewing dresses, i may not value education as much as i do today.

i can only hope that if/when i become a mama (don't bet on anytime soon!), i can be as selfless as all these strong, hard-working and inspiring women in my life. so, happy [belated] mother's day y'all.

deal or no deal via PHILIPPINES

"WOW!" Howie Mandel says with his jaw open... thinkin, can i take one home with me???

I must say, it was the first time I actually watched the game show Deal or No Deal, let alone the "round the world" version from the Philippines. Maybe it's my rhetoric-feminist-pinayism-haterade lens that i can't seem to detach, but is it me, or does it look like the helllaaaa light-skinned pinay host Kris Aquino appears as the madame that whores out her beautiful "26K" (I mean, really, how literal can you get with the "selling" of these women) for the gawking Howie Mandel and white america to just eat up?

and of course, for the international version, they had to bring out three plates of extra deal or no deal choices for the contestant to choose and eat for specified prize money: 1) chicken feet on a stick, 2) fish heads, and drumroll please...... balut (of course). to which the red-headed white dude ate up with as much fervor as that annoying bald dude on bizarre foods, as if he's conquering the savage's delicacies. ok fine, maybe i'm goin overboard. but is a bit odd that as the guy devours the food, the pinoy/pinay audience busts out in their celebratory dancing -- which, i would say, was my favorite part -- damn them pilipinos like to dance!!!!

the market segment where howie mandel looks at tilapia was also a nice touch...

i'm not an avid fan of wa-wa-wi or any of those other pilipino popular television fanfare, so maybe i just don't get it.

"you're either ripe and rotting, or green and growing."

self portrait of me as a teacher

I recently went to a surprisingly helpful teacher training where a fellow teacher said the quote above. we were discussing how in the first year of teaching, you practically write out a script for every lesson plan so that you feel like you’re somewhat prepared for the ruckus that awaits every new period of class. and in my first year, I was pretty damn “ripe and rotting” – I remember crying almost every week my first two months of teaching, being overwhelmed with planning and performing spectacular and relevant lesson plans everyday, and being disappointed at the lacking ratio of my efforts in relation to my students efforts.

in my second year of teaching, with 2 months left to spring semester, how do I feel? a little of both. I feel a little “green” – I know I’ve grown so much since last year – I can crank out lesson plans subconsciously as I’m waking up in the morning and driving to school; I don’t feel butt hurt every time I get a smart ass comment (“damn teacher, you on your period or somethin?”); I can navigate my way throughout the period where [most] students are engaged and know they’re accountable for learning.

however... I’m definitely still “ripe and rotting” with a lot of other shit. and in my second year, since I got down some strategies as a teacher, I’m starting to realize a lot of other shortcomings of my own, and especially, of my school, and the public school system as a whole. I became a teacher to meet the needs of all students, but the more I teach [or try to teach], the more confused I get as to what exactly my students’ needs are.

the state of california, and my district, seem to know what students’ needs are: getting textbook-based lessons (boring), getting standards-based instruction (boring and tedious, yet… I suppose necessary), having disciplined and structured learning environments (does that mean kicking students off campus right after the bell? getting a suspension notice for at least one of my students every other week?), doing well on standardized tests (boring, boring, tedious, boring).

and I thought I knew what students need: relevant education so that they can become curious and critical thinkers, project-oriented lessons where students apply concepts, a space where they feel valued by everyone. as an english teacher, I give students a lot of space to write about their own experiences, and sometimes these assignments give me another glimpse into what my students really need.

case in point: I recently had a short story unit on the theme of violence, in which their last project was to write their own narrative about how violence has affected them. I knew many of my students could relate to that topic, but little did I know the extent to which they would dive into that topic.

Some excerpts from their narratives:
“How my Mom died”
- “Right after we left the hospital, she died. she died so fast it blinked before my eyes. to me, my mom --- died like ten times the pain of a wound.”
- “My sister put me through therapy because I wouldn’t talk or do anything. every day after school, I had to go talk to him. when people talked about my mom, I would go off then beat their ass. it was hard without my mom even though my sister was like my mom. in my head, I was still thinking that if my dad stayed we still could have been a wealthy, good family. a lot was going on, but I got over it until the judge made me move with my father and stepmom. I didn’t want to stay with them. till this day I still think it was my father ‘s fault she died.”

Another student discussing the time she went to a homeless shelter because her mom left her and sister. She was later ordered by a court to be split from her sister and live with her father.
- “I really want to see her and my mom took that away from me and I bet you she won’t even care. it’s painful for me and my sister because it’s not right. we did everything we was suppose to do. I don’t understand why would somebody want to hurt us because it’s not cool. I really miss her and my mom doesn’t care about neither of us.”

Another student writes a narrative, entitled “Russian Roulette,” where he talks about losing his cousin.
- “what were you thinking ---? you can’t answer the question simply because your laying in your casket, resting in your grave. sometimes I walk around, by the place it all happened. I know you as a reader is wondering what am I talking about, well if you as the reader want to know all you have to do is keep reading. see this tragic event that put me in a sad, mad, ashamed, disappointed mood was when my cousin --- killed hisself. for some apparent reason my cousin ended his own life over “a game.” the game was “russian roulet…”

This student writes a story about her stepdad, who would call her “stupid” and hit her mother.
- “since all that happened, I have learned that life has a lot of obstacles and life has good things, but don’t let any person hit you. what I advise to people is not to let a guy touch you because once they do they will bring you down easily and they will hit you whenever they want. pain is not worth anything because it takes you to hell, makes you miserable, it just brings down all those good dreams down. pain is way bigger than love or living happy.”

I almost cried when I read the following student’s rough draft. She discusses family problems that include her father not wanting to be around and the struggles of remaining silent about her family problems.
- “I used to be so stupid back then because I used to hurt myself back then for every little mistake I made. I remember I tried cutting myself with scissors, pencils and a razor because I got in trouble a lot and the problems that my family had like when my mom and dad talked about getting a divorce ... my mom and dad changed a lot because it started affecting us as a family and it was kind of like we grew apart from each other. so now that my mom and dad fight, my brothers still cry but I tell my brothers it’s not going to change and it’s kind of like I got used to it. this has affected my family because my mom gets tired easily and my dad comes home tired and angry at the world. I don’t even bother to talk to him when he’s pissed. my mom got really affeced by it one time that she couldn’t breath. I got really scared and it was in the night. I dialed 9-1-1 and I thought my mom was going to die but I still had hope that my mom was going to be okay. I was trying to show no emotion because I always try to act like I’m this strong person but I have a lot in me that I want to let out but I can’t because I’ll just break down in tears. nobody really knows how I feel and how much I hold inside so I act like nothing happened. that’s when I started noticing that this is really affecting my family. I feel that me and my mom hold a lot inside that’s hurting us.”

This is just a sample of what my students wrote. It was overwhelming reading paper after paper of things that should never happen to anyone, let alone such young people. One student wrote about how she was almost raped by her 17-year old cousin at the age of eight, and witnessed that same cousin shoot her other two cousins to death. So, what do I do with all this? As I’m reading these essays, I’m both proud at their courage to write about such personal stories, but at the same time I’m thinking: besides needing to be schooled in academic literacy, these students clearly need so much more than that! And I try my best not to treat my students as “victims” – as “oh poor them for going through that.” Because they are not victims, they are such strong and honest and resilient individuals, and they need the space to discuss issues like this. but how do we find the time to really delve into these things, when we’re so busy preparing for tests, or writing essays about The Great Gatsby? I’m already a teacher, a performer, a counselor, a pseudo-parent, a coach, a facilitator, a disciplinarian in the classroom. But the more I learn about my students and where they come from and what they’ve been through, there’s so much more that I have to become in order to meet their needs. There’s so much more beyond my classroom, my school, the district, their families, their neighborhood, that these students need and deserve.

{sigh}. overwhelmed, I am.

religion and me

living in a religious household is probably one of the major things that has made me who I am today. if I could make a timeline and pinpoint what really made me think the way I do, act the way I do, i could safely say that my father being a jehovah’s witness has been a major foundation for who I am.

after all, I learned how to read by reading the bible. my family always reminds me and others all the time that the first real word I read out loud, was “Nebuchadnezzar” (the ruler of babylon) – sounded out slowly syllable by syllable at the age of four or five, during a bible study with my family.

I would attend jehovah’s witness meetings with my family, fitted in pretty little pink dresses, sitting on my dad’s lap, raising my hand to answer questions about the bible. I would go door to door with my dad, carrying watchtowers, and would eventually tell my dad, “I want to be a pioneer when I grow up.” Pioneers are those folks who become basically full-time door to door folks and make it their career to “spread the word of God.”

but I didn’t become a pioneer. what happened?

well, I got older. I started making friends at school. I got invited to birthday parties I couldn’t attend. I couldn’t join clubs afterschool, because I was supposed to go home and study the bible. But the older I get, the more I realize maybe it wasn’t so much my dad being religious that kept me from being more involved with things – I think my dad was just straight up strict. plus a jehovah’s witness, which didn’t help.

and then I started noticing that my mom – who was not a jehovah’s witness, but a catholic sprung from a family of devout catholics – would attend the Sunday meetings with my dad and my brothers, but I noticed there was something missing with her. She would dress us up for the meetings, attend on Sundays, say amen to prayers that my dad would say at the dinner table. But it all seemed empty.

And I too started feeling that vacuum inside – the feeling that these religious routines were becoming habit, not devotion; as I would read passages from the bible during meetings, my mind would wander. or I would think, so what, if the bible says this? why is this the ultimate source of knowledge? and if my mom is catholic, does that mean she’s goin to hell? does my dad care if she’s going to hell?

I also remember waking up one night, as a teenager, to my mom sobbing… I remember it was around the time that I was applying to colleges, and my dad wanted me to go to UCLA and stay home, and my mother wanted me to go to berkeley. I went to my parents’ room to see what was up, and I heard her speak between her sobbing: “I’m sorry, Lakay (Ilokano term of endearment meaning “old man”), I just can’t. It’s just not me… That’s not the way I was brought up..”

I knew right away what they were talking about. My dad had always wanted her to become just as devout a Jehovah’s Witness as he was. To him, he was spreading the word of God and because he loved my mom, he wanted to my mom to be the same and reap the same benefits that were promised in the bible. But she couldn’t – because it just wasn’t her. And I knew that it wasn’t me either.

And so I went off to college, and I developed strong beliefs, developed into a strong-minded, independent young woman. In my rhetoric classes we critiqued the idea of Adam and Eve from a feminist perspective; I participated in rallies and protests; I voted; I had sex!; I participated in all these activities that I couldn’t or “shuoldn’t” have done under a household of Jehovah’s Witnesses. And it felt good.

But then I would visit home. And somehow, I would become that passive, I need to meet my dad’s expectations, person once again. I wouldn’t discuss what I was learning in college. I wouldn’t speak of the relationships I had. And to this day, I still hold back on a lot of things – I don’t discuss sex, let alone, staying over Patrick’s place in the bay, with my folks. I don’t discuss my strong beliefs about homophobia or politics at the dinner table. When it comes down to it, I pretty much think I’m a coward when it comes to me being honest with my folks – my dad especially -- about who I am and who I’ve become.

I think since I was a little girl, I noticed the joy that my dad would have when I met his expecations, albeit very strict expecations. And I noticed how deeply my dad was hurt when my oldest brother told him that he didn’t want to be a jehovah’s witness anymore (although now, he’s back to being one). I watched my dad bow his head into his hands and cry like a baby that day; and my mom simply just shook her head in silence. I’ve never been good at handling conflict with my family – and I’ve internalized a lot of guilt for transgressing my dad’s beliefs over these years. But I’ve also internalized a lot of guilt for not being honest with my family or, more importantly, myself.

When I’m with my friends and at work, I pride myself for being an honest person, always keepin it real, to the point where I tell my own students one of the best qualities you can have it to be honest. But I’m a hypocrite when it comes to my family. At 26 years old, it’s something I’m continually dealing with.

So what’s this got to do with me today? Patrick’s moving to L.A. (yay!). And we’re thinking of moving in together. And we want to discuss it with my folks. Everytime I think of the idea, I get a swirly feelin in my stomach, and I yet again become that passive little girl trying desperately to not conflict with daddy. I can already see my dad bringing out his bible, whipping to a specific page, and telling me that it's a sin , it's fornication, to do what we're doing. BUT. If patrick is going to make that big leap to move down here, the least I can do is just suck it up and be a fucking woman and be honest. And truth is, I want to live with patrick. and if my parents don’t approve, why should that stop us? but at the same time, I don’t know how this transition to L.A. is gonna be for patrick, if there’s this discomfort of my family being uptight about things… because the one thing I really want is for patrick to like it (maybe love it?) when he’s here. AHHH,,, it’s all really frustrating… BUT I’ve made a resolution with myself that this is the time to stop fucking being a hypocrite and a coward, and grow up. grow up and be honest. with others. and myself. Because after all, that’s all we can really do. The rest will just follow…

mixtape 1: nineties nostalgia

make it last forever

ok. i've currently been workin on a more work-related, public-education-sucks-balls post, but it's hurting my head. so in lieu of that, here's one inspired by this weekend...


thanks to paloma, i found this dope mixtape website called MIXWIT, where you can make digital mixtapes by browsing through music sources and designing your very own old-skool-lookin', beat up, mixtapes! yee! some of the sources are a tad bit limited, but it's good times nevertheless. and, you can post it to any websites you have, like here!

so why the nineties theme? phatty and i went to the Ladies Night Out Tour, featuring keith sweat, bel biv devoe, and tony toni tone at the paramount in oakland. sad to say, tony toni tone was disappointing and honestly depressing, because they came out without raphael saadiq. they had this random young dude, who could sing, but come on now -- couldn't compare to the one and only saadiq. and, it didn't help that dwayne wiggins didn't have much of a stage presence, and kept messin with different guitars on stage and didn't seem very well-rehearsed. anyhoo, they're at the end of their set, dwayne wiggins says how it's their "anniversary" cuz it's been 20 years since they've come out, but he says, "but it's not quite the same without..." to which i jump out of my seat and scream, as i see this dapper suited, skinny ass dude come out on stage, and yes, its saadiq singing, "dooo youu knowww what to dayy isssss??" yee! super duper hyped, the complete tony toni tone did "anniversary" and "it feels good" to a rousing, standin' crowd. saadiq definitely saved their set, but it was a lil depressing that somebody like tony toni tone were "openers" for a concert like this...

then bel biv devoe comes out -- to some song i don't really remember, but i'm still proud that i can remember the lyrics to all their other songs. i was impressed at their old asses' ability to still do those knee-raising, arm-swinging, jumpin-around dance moves so characteristic of the 90's. ricky bell could sing. bivens was a lil outta shape. and devoe, well, he's still kinda ugly. haha. overall, very entertaining set. and of course, they ended their with "poison." awesome.

then, keith sweat. did he come out all nasal-soundin? yes. but can the motherfucker sing? surprisingly, yes! and, it's crazy how many jams that man has -- "make it last forever, and ever and ever... (i couldn't find that on on mixwit.com!)" he even brought up some ladies on stage, managed to pick up this big ass broad and had this other lady feelin up on herself, as he's singin "nobody." hilarious. keith sweat was actually the surprising fave of the night. awesome again.

last night at poleng lounge in sf, old homie jerome was playin a 90s set full with 90s anthems from tlc, swv, etc, and tonight phatty's spinnin at this 90's house party, so ya know, i'ma get my wannabe dj on too. so many of these songs bring back memories -- from the permed-hair, just-developin-that-adolescent-attitude youngster listening to my mariah carey tape on my walkman, the girl who looked up to her brothers and rapped along to ice cube, pharcyde and fu shnickens (remember them?!), (dare i say it) singing those R&B hooks on people's voice-mails (ha, fuck, i said it!), makin' slow jam tapes for friends and boyfriends, and watchin my brothers in their m.c. hammer pants tryin to dance to bobby brown's "it's my perogative," my elementary school ass tryin to look fly wearing over-sized flannels or sports jerseys with guess jeans and dr. marten boots! hah.

so take a listen, enjoy.

and as an added bonus, for your viewing pleasure, the one and only snow (aka Superb Notorious Outrageous Whiteboy) and another one of my fave female-groups, jade. yee!