5 things i learned as an ABDC audience member

so the sistamaestra chris corpus had a homie kaywon (thanks dude!) that hooked it up with tickets to last week's episode of america's best dance crew. being the only folks who didn't have work at that time (summer vacation babyyyy), we jumped on the chance to see my fave fanny pack (and my other secret fave, lil mama.... read below). to our surprise, it was quite the experience, on many different levels...

1. haterade is everywhere
now, i know ABDC is a competition, and there's bound to be shit-talkers and haters (i.e. "know your rank" is so stupidly militaristic, it's grosses me out). but i'm not even talkin about the contestants; i'm talkin about our wild experience just getting into the studio.

me, chris, and other homie aylene check-in and get wrist bands. we end up getting two different colored wrist bands, yellow and turqoise. we walk across the street to the studio and are greeted by a rockstar energy drink girl, who tells us to take a free can and wait at the side. sweet, we get free drinks and i am still on my master cleanse lemonade regiment. minutes later, i notice not all folks are waiting with us, and i look around and see a bunch of females -- tryin to find a common ground among us. hmm. is it the dresses? no, cuz chris is wearin jeans. is it cuz we're small and we won't block anyone? nope, cuz a tall skinny white girl crew joins us. is it the collection of gargantually big breasts i see to my left? nope. suddenly, chris, aylene and i are feeling a tad bit uncomfortable with our free rockstars and "special" wristbands. the discomfort then turns to hate towards females we don't wanna associate ourselves with, which turns to self-hate in thinking, damn, should i have worn a longer dress? do i/we look like i belong with these beezies?

some official dude with a headset walks up to us and tells us we're the "lucky" ones who get to sit in the front. to which the big-breast crew responds with, "yeah we know, we've been here before." official dude proceeds to tell us to walk with him, and of course, we must pass by an entire group of folks who aren't designated to sit in the front.

i'm just trying to channel my i'm-on-the-master-cleanse-just-stay-positive vibe, while chris and aylene keep making "wtf-is-going-on" faces, and then i hear the classic comment come from the folks we're passing by: "OH, IT'S CUZ THEY ALL HOES."

ha. chris's blood pressure proceeds to skyrocket. i kinda think to myself, "well, there are girls in the front of our line wearing hoe uniforms, so i can't be that mad..." it went from me hatin on our fellow "vip-ers", to me hatin myself, to being hated on. we have to still wait with our vip crew for about an hour, forced to listen to ignorant ass conversations and groupie talk. this whole two-hour waiting ordeal kinda makes me wonder, what the hell is the protocol for being in situations like this? i'm still wrappin my head around it...

2. judge shane sparks is uber small
like, my height. and old at the same time. who knew?

3. lil mama is high-larious
i don't care if she can't read filipino spelling of names and calls contestants "aliens," i think she's a hoot. the whole time she was pretend singing into her microphone during breaks and messin with the audience. maybe it's my experience working with goofy ass youth (cut her some slack, lil mama's young!), but i want her to be my friend.

4. i can still do the running man. i think.
while the judges are making their decision, the audience is split into different teams and compete for next episode's tickets by dancing like maniacs. i know it sounds uber cheesy, and i was afraid that if they taped it, they would edit my wtf face out of the scene, but lo and behold, i found myself slidin, gyrating, and knee-slappin like the rest of em. and it was flippin fun.

5. i prob won't be an audience member again
not to say it wasn't fun -- it was. and the performances are so much better watching live. and it's interesting see all the behind-the-scenes stuff and the elaborate stage setup. but reliving a one-hour episode in a four-hour process prob ain't gonna happen again.

go fanny pack!

mc day 6 and 7 aka miss universe boggles my mind

lady gaga performs at miss universe 2008. a bit awkward, maybe?

more about my detox later. while workin on my summer reading with the tv on in the background, my roommate and i came upon yesterday's miss universe contest, this year held in vietnam. immediately my wtf-face came on as i watched the opening sequence of national costumes. my mind couldn't wrap around all these questions:

1. what's with the freaking sexy stripper gazes at the camera? was miss universe always this freakin sexy, aka slutty?
2. what in the world is with the juxtaposition of lady gaga and her asexual dance troup with the scantily clad contestants boppin around like go go dancers?
3. who the hell decided it would be a genius idea for jerry springer to co-host with scary spice?
4. why does miss usa fall AGAIN during the evening gown competition (altho i prefer last year's flop)? is that what usa gets?
5. does anyone else think miss usa looks like a bootleg rihanna before she hired a stylist?
6. does this contest not remind you of a grown-up version of little miss sunshine? but even more disturbing?
7. must donald trump objectify both women and entire cultures to promote his resort empire? really? (i tried finding a clip of the contestants sporting bikinis and chinaman hats in the vietnamese jungle, but i couldn't. damnit.)
8. why can't i change the damn channel???

sad to say, i was both perturbed and entertained at the same time. bah.

anyhoo, back to the cleanse: easily made it through day 6 and 7 without any mishaps. well, i am tired of wiping my ass (and so is my sore ass), and i thought of licking the sauce off my niece's pizza, but besides that it's been smooth sailing. woke up this morning (day 8), and found some new frontier in the toilet -- i will refrain from descriptions for now. my tongue is sorrrrrta becoming pink, but still has those icky white spots.

3 more days, i can see the promiseland! yummy soup, here i come!

to celebrate my week anniversary of the cleanse, my favorite clip from little miss sunshine:

mc day 5: first midnight ride

midnight ridazz through LA

forget posting about my regular poo poo cleanse routine, let's talk about my first midnight ride! i'm sad to say i didn't take any photos from the night, but let me me briefly describe the experience.

me and the jerm, hoe, and jeff, met up homies mike, maya, rani, jason and others at the chinatown metro spot. immediately you realize that this is more like a party than a bike ride, with people fistin beer cans left and right, maryjane in the air and some woodstock music blastin. turns out i didn't get the memo that it's tie-dyed night and a bunch of folks are rockin bright ass hippie gear. not to mention the plethora of hipsters abounding the crowd. drew was nice enough to loan out some lights to folks in need. woulda been nice to down a beer and join the crowd, but my lemonade will have to do. i dunno about my newbie ass under the influence on my first ride anyway -- i'm alreadya concerned about not crashing into people.

finally we take off in some random direction and we're off. throughout the ride, you see LA down town in the distance, goin up and down mild hills, with a sea of red lights flashin in front of you, cars honkin props to you, dudes trailin speakers on their bikes blastin goodies and oldies. i'm doin good and then i suddenly realize after goin down a hill, that no matter how hard i try to whisp my precious little legs on the pedals, folks are hella passin me by. turns out i think my automatic speed shift is not so automatic, and i feel like an incompetent rider tryin to keep up with the homies. but it's all goo d-- i def felt the love around me, folks askin me if i was cool, jerm tryin to hold on to my bike and give me a boost. def got my workout on -- altho it was weird cuz i felt i was exertin way more effort than other folks.

did a lot of stops -- some seemed longer than they needed to be. but took advantage of the stops to down some needed lemonade energy. eventually ended up on a bridge, and some weirdos started climbin up and lighting firecrackers, so our mob decided to fly solo and go back to the startin point. turns out a couple of our folks got left behind cuz of some other people crashing. took a scenic route through j-town, through olivera street and back to chinatown. i made it!

definitely wanna do it again, and def wanna make sure my gears are fully workin by then. and add beer to the equation! day 5 of cleanse done -- halfway through baby!

to capture the ride a bit better, a little doc of the midnight ridazz:

mc day 4 aka guess who got a bike snitches!

morning
woke up several times startin from 5:45 am with the lax tea cramps (again). the tea entitled "smooth move" ain't so smooth after all. for some reason, didn't have an urge to do the do until i took the salt water. which, i must say, is getting a lot easier to drink.

afternoon-ish
after babysitting went on a mission to find a bike and ended up splurgin on that pretty young thang you see up there -- her name is nancy. after thinkin it all through, esp since i was gonna paint the $200 one and maybe revise it more, i decided might as well splurge and get one that's already ready to go -- booked to santa monica to pick up the size i needed. apparently a 24" bike, which i find most comfortable, is supposed to be for kids.
i dunno if you could see from the chart above, but 24" bikes are made for about 13 year olds (highlighted in pink in the chart). seems i am the size of half my age, yes! and, two different bike store dudes kept tryin to get me to get a bigger bike, by either whispering to my friend that "uh, i dunno if she knows this, but those are kid bikes," or giving me a funny look and directing me to the more adult bikes.

anyways, after bringin it home, ended up takin a nice ride to wilson park at sunset and ahead of me i saw a reflection of me riding as a little girl:

maybe i can add tassles to mine too! i don't look THAT young on a bike, do i?

night
overall, this lemonade cleanse is becoming routine and i don't really think about it too much. added an extra tablespoon to my servings, and its given me more energy. plannin to do a midnight ride tomorrow with homies across la, so that should be fun! i'm gonna need more lemonade tho!

goodbye day four! less than a week left!

mc: day tres

morning

woke up and tried doin the salt enema thing by taking a shot of salt and water, then chasin with two cups of water. was a lot easier, but i didn't have a very satisfying movement. it's either because i didnt do the tea, or this shot of salt procedure doesnt work very well. but it seems jeff did pretty damn good. oh well. spent most of my mornin chattin it up online, tryin to get advice about bikes. i'm spreadin the detox love to my car and gonna get the insides fresh and clean, then goin bike shoppin! yee!

afternoon

wow, my car is the cleanest it's been since i bought it. forgot that my car was a glitter grayish color haha. i've made a pact with myself that i will not leave crumbs or mascara all over my car anymore.

and then there's bike shopping. bikes are more complicated than i envisioned. here's my options this far:

jeff put me on to this really nice bike, costs about $400.

pretty huh? altho i dunno if i'm really gonna ride $400 worth of this thing.

then we went to another spot and saw this little 24" guy.

definitely not as fancy as the other one. i'm just bein a princess really, cuz i like the colors and the features of the other one. maybe i can just get the cheaper one and buy a keyboard, a beat machine, some trumpet ma-bobber, a mic, and be like this guy:

no really, i was plannin on getting a keyboard and watching this really makes me wanna make some music. haha, it's not like i can play beyond reading notes off of alicia keys and norah jones and shit, but doesn't that shit look fun! i dunno, somethin about having hella time on my hands gives me a craving to get creative. it's like when you're busy working, you know you're being productive... right now, i feel like i'm just floatin...

i also managed to watch jerm eat a whole plate of chicken, garlic sauce and falafel without shooting myself in the eye. i just had a good portion of lemonade, and i really didn't even feel like wanting to reach over and grab a bite. had this been a few days ago, i'd probably taken at least half of his portion, but nope. i noticed myself salivating, but not really psychologically wanting to eat his food.

night

just came back from a karaoke bar for a homie mike's bday. watched folks drink and eat (this time, pastrami sandwich and chili fries). couldn't help but to pick up the plate of chili fries and take a big whiff -- altho it didn't really smell all that great. again, salivating but not really wanting to eat. feelin a lil headache as i drink my lax tea. i think i might increase my maple syrup intake -- not sure if i'm gettin the right amount, since you can vary it a bit.

anyways, i think i'ma cop that smaller bike tomorrow! excited. day three dunzo!

mc: day dos

morning
hmmph. woke up at 5:30 this morning with icky cramps and tried to sleep through it, but the pain made me get up and release. it's kinda like someone's blowing up a really hard balloon in your abdomen while twisting and turning your insides. ick. i need to time the tea better, since it kicks in 6-7 hours. went back to sleep and woke up at 9 to go babysit. on the way there, i downed half of the salt water enema in my car (whew! no accidents in the car!), then downed the rest of it while my 3-year old niece was waiting for me to play "Beauty in the Beast" on the piano. "come on auntie, you can do it! i'll give you a gold star!" haha. that sure helped getting that crap down. spent the rest of the morning running around with 3 little crazy kids.

afternoon
ugh, feelin pretty tired and slightly weak again. altho i am pretty proud that i've been surrounded by food allllll day -- bacon and fried rice, banana cue, raisin cinnamon bread, a freaking whole broiled halibut -- but it hasn't really phased me. i actually enjoy smelling the food -- shit, if i can't eat it i might as well smell the deliciousness. lemonade's makin my tongue feel all pasty. i got tired just carrying my 1-year old nephew and now i'm gonna take a nap.

night
nap did me good. did a whole hour of yoga! felt really good; after tentatively goin through the moves to see how high my energy was, my moves started to feel a lot more, i guess, mindful and strong. i remember my yoga instructor from college saying that you need to lose all attachments (i.e. distractions, inner thoughts about not doing it right or looking good in front of others) while you're trying to be present in the moment of doing the moves. and i think this cleanse is startin to feel the same way -- i'm not so attached to having to eat food or even be bothered by not being able to eat food in front of me. it's nice bein able to listen to your body and its needs and not have to give in to comfort.

went to barnes and nobles and bought wayyy more books than i need to read. but i'm startin to research all the world history contexts that go along with my books, so i bought guns, germs and steel by jared diamond, which looks to be really interesting. anyways, i started feelin weak again on the way home, so i drank an extra 8 oz of the lemonade. dunno if that's cheating, but my body says i need some calories. no tea tonight, i'm takin a break from shit for the moment. day two finito!

to do tomorrow: clean the insides of my car, read on the beach, maybe run, and do those damn blog entries i've been meanin to do...

master cleanse: day 1

morning-ish
woke up at 9am to my stomach gurgling, and took a refreshing #2. was pretty tired still, so went back to sleep and then woke up a min later and realized i wasn't quite done. went back to sleep and didnt get up again til about 12:45. yay for vacation.

went to trader joe's and whole foods to buy maple syrup grade B (it's the unprocessed good stuff) and cayenne pepper (somethin in it helps your stomach from feeling hungry). i tried to ignore all the vibrant, fresh, and yummy smelling food surrounding me and booked straight to the appropriate aisles. thought to myself, damn, i won't be eating any of you beautiful things for the next 10 days :(

came back and did the salt water enema. realized that i had to drink a full quart (thats 32 ounces; two regular-sized water bottles) of that gross salty water stuff. i don't even have any cups that big, so i had to take it in two loads. almost yacked midway, but evnetually finished it like a champ. 20-ish minutes later, had a grand time peeing out my butt (ha, sorry.).

finally by 2pm, made some spicy lemonade. put wayyyy too much cayenne the first time, but it sure does taste good. hopefully i'll have energy to work out later to day. we'll see.

since i'm on vacation i know i gotta establish some routines for this week, to stop me from being bored out of my mind thinking of food all day. so, this is what i intend to do at least everyday this week:
- work out: either yoga at home, or cardio at the gym, or run. i hate running; but last time i did the cleanse i was able to the most running i've ever done, so i'ma try to challenge myself.
- read read read: i'ma try to cleanse myself from other distracting toxins like television (damn, i can't watch food network or anthony bourdain's no reservations!), shopping, bull shittin online (altho i've already spent like 3 hours g-chatting) and read instead. i need to read at least 5 books this summer since i'm teaching a new grade this coming year. that and i started obama's book about his dad -- it's pretty good so far.
- do somethin outdoors: i can't stay cooped up here at home, so i'll either go to the beach, park, or do some kinda hike and try to free my mind a lil bit.
- cleanse other areas in my life: i need to wash my car! figure out my financial loans, blah blah.
- create somethin: blog, write, paint?, play the piano... somethin like that.


afternoon
just finished chillin on my new patio furniture, reading song of the hummingbirds by graciela limon -- a heartwrenching account of an aztec princess turned slave turned concubine about the spanish conquest of tenochtitlan. then researched spanish colonization on the net. meanwhile, i've already drank 5 out of 6 big cups of the lemonade (about 16 oz each), and i'm feelin a lil weak. not so much hungry -- my stomach growled only once -- but my body just feels weak. probably won't work out til tomorrow. i'm already thinking about food, specifically this lovely piece of sourdough bread staring me in the face lying on the dining table. not cuz i'm hungry, only cuz my mouth is bored of drinking acid. i feel like taking a nap.

night
day one is nearing its end and i gotta say, it's been a long day tryin to occupy my time, drink crazy amounts of liquid and not think of food. coulda gone out bowling with homies, but i honestly don't feel like being social. i'm sittin here watching anthony bourdain's no reservations -- an episode about malaysia and laos, and i keep seeing these bomb ass dishes, but i don't feel like turnin the tv off. maybe this is training for me to be in front of folks who are eating food later in this week.

anyways, day one wasn't so bad. a lot of gurgling in the stomach that confuses me for hunger, but i think i'm just adjusting to this liquid diet. gotta babysit three youngins tomorrow; we'll see how that goes. i will do yoga for sure tomorrow... day one done!

master cleanse, prelude to day 1: goodbye food!

my awesome diet for the next 7-10 days

i've decided, after being a glutton for the past month or so and not working out consistently, that i'm going to embark on the master cleanse for the second time this year. it's basically a process where you drink this special lemonade all day, and drink a salt water concoction in the morning and a laxative tea at night to help you release those bugaboos in your body.

what are my specific reasons for doin the cleanse?
1. to detoxify all this crap i've been consuming -- damn, ever since summer vacation i swear i've been eating a major meal at least three times a day.
2. to get back to healthy habits -- i.e. working out, eating better, paying attention to what's good for me; and doin the cleanse is a good jump start. swear, last time i did it, i paid attention to random shit like flossing everyday and doing my bed and eating better and working out; just taking better care of myself.
3. it's a good time for me to start the cleanse, since it's halfway into the year since the last time i did it. i did it at the beginning of this year, and it surprisingly worked wonders for my energy and health habits, so i think this is a good time -- about 6/7 months later, to do it again. plus, i'm on summer vacation now (yipppeee), and i don't have to worry about shitting out my insides (yes!) at school in front of my students.
4. i know this isn't a good reason, but it doesn't hurt that you lose some weight through the cleanse -- i know you gain at least half of it back, but it'll be a good jump start to tone up.

what am i not looking forward to?
- not eating! i'm gonna try to do ten days. but we'll see how it goes day by day. last time i did seven, and by the time i hit day seven, i was ready to eat anything. but supposedly the toxins don't really start movin out your body til day 8...
- laxative tea -- the one i bought's called "smooth move" -- wahhhoo! it makes your stomach cramp in the middle of the night ( you take it before you sleep); and your alarm in the morning ends up being your need to do a #2.
- and mostly, the salt enema: you gotta down a jug of water with a heaping spoon of sea salt to release all your insides in the morning. gotta be the nastiest thing i've drank.
- not eating!

there's plenty of journals out there of folks who've done the master cleanse. this one's pretty detailed and funny. don't know if i'm gonna post pics of myself in a bikini, but i will try to document the different ebbs of emotion and cravings, and maybe even some toilet descriptions, in the next week or so.

alright, my smooth move tea has just finished brewing. cheers to clean intestines!!!!