reflections for 08, intentions for 09

yeah I know. this is my first entry since september, after my first week at a new charter school. creating this blog entry now pretty much captures my 2008 in that it shows how I hella dive into a new idea, a new experience, a new routine, and then somehow abruptly stop and walk away.

I think I’ve learned that from this year, and particularly these past weeks of taking a break from work, that I’m inclined to extremes: I’ll immerse myself into lesson planning and dedicating myself to work, all while ignoring my piled up laundry, my messy ass room/car/life, and perhaps even those close ones around me who remain outside of the classroom; after that’s done with, I’ll take a drastic break from the teacher me and become the sloth me, ignoring all responsibilities I have to my students at the present and saturate myself with non-critical thinking, anti-social activities like hibernating til 2pm, watching mundane marathons of top chef and america’s top model, etc. I’ve endeavored to reach a a healthy balance by doing the master cleanse twice this year, where I [temporarily] removed my attachments to food, to laziness, and I managed to lose a considerable amount of weight [both in the physical and spiritual sense] – but now at the end of 2008 I’ve gone back to indulging in every non-healthy activity of eating, drinking, and just bein plain undisciplined.

I could go on and on about my attachment to extremes this year: of teaching at a huge 3,000-student school to an intimate 300-student charter school, of surviving the 3-year long distance relationship to virtually seeing Patrick alllllll the time. At times living this way can be fulfilling, sinking into the very moment, ignoring any surrounding distractions – and it just feels damn good. Sometimes you have to go through deep struggle, to appreciate the release afterwards. But in some ways, being so extreme can come at the expense of others – I’ve become so dedicated at certain passions like work or my relationship with Patrick, that I’ve lost touch with a number of close friends or family or being open to make new friends, and at times preventing myself and even Phatty the space to grow and be mindful about what I’m truly doing.

And I don’t think it’s so much moderation I’m seeking. I remember my yoga teacher explained a metaphor of balance, where the stem of a plant that is bent all the way to one side, can only reach the middle, if the wind blows it to the very other side, and that way the stem returns back to the middle. In yoga terms, when you’re in a pose, you have to stretch your body towards polar opposites to find a genuine balance. So maybe I’m in uber-reflective metaphysical terms because it’s a new year period, but what I’m tryin to say is that I’m not so much seeking moderation – I just want to be mindful about the actions I take, no matter how moderate or extreme they are, and be aware of how those actions affect others, affect myself and my ability to be true to myself, and not just attached to the indulgent present.

So those are my intentions for 2009: to be disciplined, to be mindful of my actions and words, to have an open mind/body/spirit, to have integrity.

On a last note, I realize, especially after some deep reflection today at a meditation space, that I’ve been truly blessed this year. Despite any internal or physical struggles I’ve dealth with, I just suddenly became aware today that I’m fortunate to have had amazing and challenging experiences, and amazing folks to share those experiences with. I have a beautiful family who makes me truly feel at home. I’ve been inspired by all my students in the stories and ideas they share with me. Even though I haven’t seen some of my ladyfriends in quite some time, they continue to inspire me in the work they do and the joy I still have when we see each other. I’ve got the best partner who challenges me to go beyond myself but at the same time know myself better. And even tho this seems unnatural for me to do, I also thank myself, for hustling through another rigorous and fulfilling year. So, instead of ending this first day of 09 with my intentions, I’d rather close it on being thankful for all these blessings. Peace and thanks!