mental constipation

my brain is in a state of bloating, cramping, and constipation, over too many important decisions i need to make in the next week or so. i got too much shit in my head that i'm constantly thinking about, analyzing, and i just need a sense of release pronto!

decisions #1:
- i've been interviewing and doing sample teaching lessons with several green dot charter schools, and i'm trying to figure out if i want to move to a smaller, more focused community. i'm at a point as a teacher where i'm reaching my third year, and i need a space i know i can commit to, and can thrive in. question is, do i wanna stick it out and stay at my current school? or do i wanna start brand new at a smaller school. it seems that the more i see about these charter schools, the more i realize that it IS going to be a lot of work -- getting accustomed to a new space, having to work harder with a smaller staff, being held perhaps even more accountable because of the small space. but staying at my school right now is also going to require a lot of work -- stepping up in leardership roles to continue restructure a struggling school, navigating a bigger school, etc. i love love love the student culture at my school, but i'm not sure i can really thrive there as a teacher. i'm still deciding. and it hurts my head -- especially because i won't ever really know if i make the right decision, because that kinda shit takes time when you're teaching...

decision #2
- well, it's not really a decision; it's more like a showdown! showdown with my parents that is -- phatty and i are planning to finally have that talk with the parents about living together. i keep playing the scene in my head and i imagine different responses: my dad shuts down, i get mad and yell and cry, and find the nearest exit; my dad shuts down, then has a heart attack, then i feel responsible; my dad shuts down, then smacks either me or patrick or both up side the head with a bible. ha. it's a very funny situation when i sit down and write about it, but oh freakin my, it's not gonna be when it all goes down. wish us luck folks!

decision #3
- turns out my lease ends at the end of june. do i 1) move back in with the parents, and risk reapin the wrath of parents who think i'm a fornicater! and then go, thanks for letting me stay, i'm gonna set up shop with my live in lover, now! or 2) do i spend hella money on a place, and just wait for phatty to show up, or 3) do i spend some time in the bay and store my shit somewhere, or 4) do i sublet with some random folks? it's maybe not as stressful as the above two situations, but it is a freaking hassle moving shit around. bah.

and i don't think i or my body responds well to stress. i find myself working out less and sleeping a hell of a lot more. hopefully by next week, my brain will have a satisfying movement and released all this anxiety... but i don't think it's gonna be as simple as that...

michelle malkin can suck my toe hair

fashion no no??

in the usual procrastination routine this evening, while perusing google news, i came across this article about dunkin donuts pulling an advertisement of rachael ray, because folks were protesting her choice to wear a scarf affiliated with "terrorism."

i already thought, man this is stupid -- do right wing folks reeeeeaaally think that if the girl-next-door-turned-food-network-star-turned-entrepreneur dons a scarf that [doesn't really] resemble arab attire, that's gonna send a message that dunkin donuts (and therefore mainstream america) is pro-terrorist? it went from dissing obama for not wearing a flag pin, and now this...

and THEN, i realized one of the folks behind this protest is the one and only michelle malkin -- filipina known for backing japanese internment camps, anti-immigration, and just plain wiggity wack wack. here's some classic quotes from her conservative blog about the ad:

the keffiyeh, for the clueless, is the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad. Popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos, the apparel has been mainstreamed by both ignorant (and not so ignorant) fashion designers, celebrities and left-wing icons.

ok, so i realize that urban outfitters has helped in this fashion trend. and that there are folks who could care less about where their fashion trends come from nor do many folks have the desire to understand the culture these stylistic choices represent -- i.e. asian tattoos, hip hop, gwen stefani's harajuku girls, etc. that i will give to malkin. but the rhetoric of "murderous palestinian jihad" and "beheading and hostage-taking" -- hmmmm, really?? it's one thing to understand where fashion trends come from, and how culture is commodified for consumers; it's another thing to censor stylistic choices in the name of patriotism, fear, and racism.
malkin goes ahead to reference various celebrities, including kanye west, who have sported the "hate couture." (YOU'RE talkin about hate, malkin?) she then clenches the moment to put in a plug for her favored presidential candidate:

So has Meghan McCain [worn a scarf], daughter of the GOP presidential candidate, who really ought to know better given that her dad positions himself as the candidate best equipped to "confront the transcendent challenge of our time: the threat of radical Islamic terrorism.

and then there's my favorite part of her commentary, where she responds to what she considers left-wing criticism of dunkin donuts yanking the ad:

It's just a scarf, the clueless keffiyeh-wearers scoff. Would they say the same of fashion designers who marketed modified Klan-style hoods in Burberry plaid as the next big thing?

Fashion statements may seem insignificant, but when they lead to the mainstreaming of violence -- unintentionally or not -- they matter. Ignorance is no longer an excuse. In post-9/11 America, vigilance must never go out of style.

since when are right wing folks like malkin concerned with fighting racism or any symbolic representation of it? how is malkin going to back japanese interment camps -- a systematic and public demonstration of racism, and then decry the ku klux clan as harmful? and how about we start to think about how many people have died because of violence in war across the world, as opposed to the "mainstreaming of violence" supposedly symbolized by a flippin scarf?

i seriously need to read up on michelle malkin and figure out how this pinay (do i call her that?) came to think the way she does.............


-------
addition:

from epicurian.com, some good commentary on the keffiyeh:

of course, malkin glosses over the fact that the kaffiyeh is a staple of arab wardrobes all over the middle east (jordanians prefer red-and-white ones, kuwaitis all-white ones, etc.), not simply among those using violent means to create a palestinian state. simply saying that anyone who wears a kaffiyeh is demonstrating solidarity with islamic terrorists is like saying anyone who wears a beret believes in cuban-style communism as espoused by che guevara. true, arafat made it his trademark, but it's critical to remember that to a vast number of arabs, the kaffiyeh's basically just another kind of hat, and that to equate kaffiyeh-wearers with terrorists sets a dangerous precedent in a country that should have learned by now the pitfalls of underestimating the complexities of arab (and muslim) cultures.

unless, of course, malkin actually is saying that all kaffiyeh-wearing arabs are jihadists and terrorists, which is certainly something she'd conceivably say.

WORD.

laaaaaakers baby

in honor of the lakers beatin jazz in six games, and after yelling at the tv screen with sweaty palms and abnormal blood pressure, here's a ridiculous post inspired by conversations with homie mary dizon.

i present: laker and jazz lookalikes (it's too late and too hot to come up with a better title, ok?)

+

=

and then there's mary's favorite, rocky's nemesis, ivan drago:







=










and then there's my fave...






=

















yeah! best post EVER!

couldn't quite figure out what this guy looks like tho...


GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LAKERS!

lock down at locke high

student at Locke High school involved in estimated 600-student fight

the usual response to youth violence

lock-down policy in effect

the la times and other mainstream media outlets have described what went down at locke high school last friday as a "huge racial brawl," in which a reported 600 students got down over tensions between brown and black students. the conflict was said to have surfaced over a rivalry between tagger crews at the high school. others, including an intervention specialist sent to the campus post-brawl, say the problems are more systemic:

"Historically black Watts has changed rapidly to a Latino-majority community, with gangs of both ethnicities claiming overlapping turf in the economically depressed streets. Locke's student body is about 65% Latino and 35% African American."

i don't work at locke high school, so i can't exactly discuss the causes for what happened last week. but i do know that i can see the same tensions at the school where i work, which has the same demographic of brown and black students, coupled with a sprinkling of filipino, tongan, samoan, vietnamese, arab and south asian kids. there isn't any explicit beef between students, altho there are fights every now and then between blacks and browns, blacks on blacks, browns on browns, and so on.

i recall two years ago, walking out of my classroom as a student-teacher to several fights breaking out over campus as one black student took off his shirt to thrown down with an oncoming crowd of angry latino students. local police were called in, sportin shot guns and helmets, as teachers and staff tried to quell the commotion. similar "race riots" occurred at the school a decade ago.

besides more explicit shows of hostility, i could sense an underlying tension between different groups on campus as a teacher. what i love most about my school is the pride students have in their culture, as we have numerous cultural clubs from filipino, mecha, african american student body and pacific islander clubs. but what i also notice is the inability (or maybe just the lack of desire) to connect with other groups. for african american history month, i took my class (mostly of latino students) to the african american history assembly and to my dismay my students slouched in their chairs, chatting with their neighbors, hardly caring about the pride and sweat black students put into their awesome show. during cinco de mayo, i had my class do a reading of a poem from the chicano movement and again to my dismay, i noticed my black students rolling their eyes, giving sass as to why we were reading "this shit." the same girl who rolled her eyes at the poem, rolled her eyes once again as i played merengue music a latino student had brought in to play for the class.

sometimes i think i'm nitpicking when it comes to noticing things like that, but i also believe that these subtleties in the classroom, along with the fights outside, along with systemic issues like gang warfare, migration patterns, and our inability to acknowledge the fear and depression youth carry, and the prison system and racism, and so much more -- we need to discuss all these concerns openly with youth and treat them as the smart individuals that they are. many of them may not be able to pass friday's test or sit still in a classroom, but shit, all of em know the conditions they live in and how that affects their livelihood everyday.

but we prefer to enact lock down policies, where we bring in law enforcement, arrest youth, lock in the "good" and execute the "bad-ass" ones, slowly return the good students back to their parents, call it a night, and return the next morning like nothing happened. this lock down policy represents the inclination to not just lock down classrooms, but to shut down any dialogue about what the real problems are. just as my students are shoved off their own campus as the bell rings (and even restrooms are shut down right afterschool), told not to "congregate" at near-by businesses (including food joints), the conflicts that arise between different cultures, different clicks and sets are thrown under the rug in silence. and again, the idea that "this is just the way it is" is reinforced through that silence.

so what the hell can we do instead?

i can't say i have a clear answer. but i do know that we can start with more honesty -- acknowledging the problem, as crenshaw high did on saturday to show solidarity in the community for its youth. we can start with discussing the similar struggles brown and black and yellow and red and all people of color have had to endure, as the african american history museum in l.a. showcases the little-known history of the african presence in mexico, showing through the first of june.

so, i would say, that's a start... but what else?

an ode to mama(s)

she's bathed all our bottoms in the same sink since day one

because of religious reasons, my family has never really celebrated mother's day. and it's always been a time when i try to compensate for my dad's and brothers' decision to not acknowledge mother's day, in which i buy or make some kind of personal gift for my mom.

this year, i took my mama to see mamma mia -- and to my delight, she spent the whole time clapping along to those cheesy recognizable (and yes, fun) abba songs, laughing to all the sexual pun jokes (whoah there, mom!), and commenting on how good the singers were. there was a moment when the mother gets her daughter ready for her wedding by brushing her hair and helping her into her wedding gown. the mother character started singing this sentimental song and all the sudden i started tearing up. i peered at my mom through the corner of my eye, trying to hide those embarrassing tears. i suppose i was just caught up in sharing a rare moment with my mom where she wasn't working hard for the rest of the family to be well-fed and well taken-care-of, where she wasn't jittering around the house cleaning up after others, and finally, she wasn't the last person to sit down, relax, and enjoy herself.

the older i get, the more i realize how selfless my mom really is, and how much real work she has clocked in since day one. i've developed this relationship with my mom, where i somehow always manage to give her a snappy attitude, even when she means well. like when she's the last to eat, i respond with some sharp comment about her needing to stop babying everyone else. the attitude doesn't come so much from bein mad at her selflessness; i think i just want to see my mom put herself first for once in her life.

we live in a patriarchal society where men are the "head of the household" -- a phrase my dad has used many times in discussing the way things operate with our family. but mothers, i believe, are and have always been the primary foundations for families. my mom has always been the one to take care of my dad, my big ass brothers, myself, and now the grandkids. and it's funny how the word "care-taker" doesn't hold as much steam as "head of the household" or disciplinarian. but i think it should -- because if it weren't for all the care and love and labor that moms give wholeheartedly, families, and especially my family, would fall apart. if it wasn't for my paternal grandmother, who raised my dad on her own for 13 years when my grandfather went to hawaii to work in the sugarcane fields, i wouldn't have a father who knows hard work and discipline. if it wasn't for my maternal grandmother who helped pay for an entire extended family's education by sewing dresses, i may not value education as much as i do today.

i can only hope that if/when i become a mama (don't bet on anytime soon!), i can be as selfless as all these strong, hard-working and inspiring women in my life. so, happy [belated] mother's day y'all.

deal or no deal via PHILIPPINES

"WOW!" Howie Mandel says with his jaw open... thinkin, can i take one home with me???

I must say, it was the first time I actually watched the game show Deal or No Deal, let alone the "round the world" version from the Philippines. Maybe it's my rhetoric-feminist-pinayism-haterade lens that i can't seem to detach, but is it me, or does it look like the helllaaaa light-skinned pinay host Kris Aquino appears as the madame that whores out her beautiful "26K" (I mean, really, how literal can you get with the "selling" of these women) for the gawking Howie Mandel and white america to just eat up?

and of course, for the international version, they had to bring out three plates of extra deal or no deal choices for the contestant to choose and eat for specified prize money: 1) chicken feet on a stick, 2) fish heads, and drumroll please...... balut (of course). to which the red-headed white dude ate up with as much fervor as that annoying bald dude on bizarre foods, as if he's conquering the savage's delicacies. ok fine, maybe i'm goin overboard. but is a bit odd that as the guy devours the food, the pinoy/pinay audience busts out in their celebratory dancing -- which, i would say, was my favorite part -- damn them pilipinos like to dance!!!!

the market segment where howie mandel looks at tilapia was also a nice touch...

i'm not an avid fan of wa-wa-wi or any of those other pilipino popular television fanfare, so maybe i just don't get it.