mixtape 1: nineties nostalgia

make it last forever

ok. i've currently been workin on a more work-related, public-education-sucks-balls post, but it's hurting my head. so in lieu of that, here's one inspired by this weekend...


thanks to paloma, i found this dope mixtape website called MIXWIT, where you can make digital mixtapes by browsing through music sources and designing your very own old-skool-lookin', beat up, mixtapes! yee! some of the sources are a tad bit limited, but it's good times nevertheless. and, you can post it to any websites you have, like here!

so why the nineties theme? phatty and i went to the Ladies Night Out Tour, featuring keith sweat, bel biv devoe, and tony toni tone at the paramount in oakland. sad to say, tony toni tone was disappointing and honestly depressing, because they came out without raphael saadiq. they had this random young dude, who could sing, but come on now -- couldn't compare to the one and only saadiq. and, it didn't help that dwayne wiggins didn't have much of a stage presence, and kept messin with different guitars on stage and didn't seem very well-rehearsed. anyhoo, they're at the end of their set, dwayne wiggins says how it's their "anniversary" cuz it's been 20 years since they've come out, but he says, "but it's not quite the same without..." to which i jump out of my seat and scream, as i see this dapper suited, skinny ass dude come out on stage, and yes, its saadiq singing, "dooo youu knowww what to dayy isssss??" yee! super duper hyped, the complete tony toni tone did "anniversary" and "it feels good" to a rousing, standin' crowd. saadiq definitely saved their set, but it was a lil depressing that somebody like tony toni tone were "openers" for a concert like this...

then bel biv devoe comes out -- to some song i don't really remember, but i'm still proud that i can remember the lyrics to all their other songs. i was impressed at their old asses' ability to still do those knee-raising, arm-swinging, jumpin-around dance moves so characteristic of the 90's. ricky bell could sing. bivens was a lil outta shape. and devoe, well, he's still kinda ugly. haha. overall, very entertaining set. and of course, they ended their with "poison." awesome.

then, keith sweat. did he come out all nasal-soundin? yes. but can the motherfucker sing? surprisingly, yes! and, it's crazy how many jams that man has -- "make it last forever, and ever and ever... (i couldn't find that on on mixwit.com!)" he even brought up some ladies on stage, managed to pick up this big ass broad and had this other lady feelin up on herself, as he's singin "nobody." hilarious. keith sweat was actually the surprising fave of the night. awesome again.

last night at poleng lounge in sf, old homie jerome was playin a 90s set full with 90s anthems from tlc, swv, etc, and tonight phatty's spinnin at this 90's house party, so ya know, i'ma get my wannabe dj on too. so many of these songs bring back memories -- from the permed-hair, just-developin-that-adolescent-attitude youngster listening to my mariah carey tape on my walkman, the girl who looked up to her brothers and rapped along to ice cube, pharcyde and fu shnickens (remember them?!), (dare i say it) singing those R&B hooks on people's voice-mails (ha, fuck, i said it!), makin' slow jam tapes for friends and boyfriends, and watchin my brothers in their m.c. hammer pants tryin to dance to bobby brown's "it's my perogative," my elementary school ass tryin to look fly wearing over-sized flannels or sports jerseys with guess jeans and dr. marten boots! hah.

so take a listen, enjoy.

and as an added bonus, for your viewing pleasure, the one and only snow (aka Superb Notorious Outrageous Whiteboy) and another one of my fave female-groups, jade. yee!

"that's what's up" ...

is the most un-meaningful phrase out there right now. and it's a phrase which is infesting conversations everywhere, from mtv vee-jays, to up and coming entertainers, to everyday talk, to my own students' passing period conversations (say it ain't so!)...


agree?


i mean, what is "that's what's up" supposed to mean? i know we have phrases that we say to simply acknowledge another person's ideas (i.e. "word!," "mhm," etc). but i dunno... something about the superficial feeling of people responding to others' words by saying, "that's what's up" as opposed to saying what the hell you really think about what they just said... it just.. well... sounds really lazy... and... bothers me. and you know, what am i supposed to say in response to that phrase?

me: i had a really awesome day at work today.
joe: that's what's up!
me: [awkward silence] ... um. yeah, so about my day...

ok, so that's totally a made-up conversation, but i swear i've had conversations where that phrase basically killed my desire to continue the dialogue. what is it about that phrase that bites me?

it's almost as bad as "it is what it is." huh? you just said the same thing twice holmes.

alright, that's all i got right now. THAT's what's up. [ew, GROSS...]

we deserve better

we aint dead yet
said the children
don’t believe it
we just made ourselves invisible
- “healer,” erykah badu

If I could say anything to the governor, I would say that it seems like we don’t care, but we really do care. And if you decide to not cut budgets for our schools, maybe we would care more.
- 9th grade student, in a letter to California State Representative on what she thinks about Arnold Swarchenegger’s decision to cut the state’s education budget by $4.4 billion

last Wednesday, I decided to take a break from my usual lesson plans and activities to hold a discussion about the governor’s recent decision to cut a ridiculous amount of money from schools. even before I heard about swarchenegger’s decision, our district had already been feeling an all time morale low in which our superintendent was recently removed by the board because of a decade of mismanagement, our district announced it built a $3 million debt and failed to fill important administrative positions, and many of our class sizes have been raised to 40 students. up until Wednesday, I had heard a lot of complaints about the cuts from teachers, administrators, the media, but I had yet to hear what the students had to say. All this time I’ve been hearing teachers and union members decry class sizes and possibilties of salary cuts – but it’s all been within the scope of how the cuts affect teachers and jobs – and I couldn’t help but to think, uhhhhhhhh, what about the students?? what kind of message does this send to our students about how we value education and their success?

So I found a dope youtube clip that breaks down the school finance system, told students about the $4.4 billion cut, showed the clip to my students, and then had them write letters to their state representative on how they feel about the budget cuts. I did the same activity with three classes that day – for the most part students were disappointed and genuinely surprised at how much money was being taken away from them. As I planned this activity, I was thinking – yeah, this is gonna be fucking dope, my students will get a chance to voice their opinions about this bull shit. And they did. Some students mentioned what could be done with more money – perhaps clean up the stretch of unused, dilapidated bungalows on our campus that are becoming a rat-infested health hazard, maybe create a larger computer lab that could accommodate a 3,300-student school, perhaps get enough books for every student to take home, or maybe pay for new soccer uniforms to replace the old, tired ones the team has been recycling for years.

But as I reached my third class with the same activity, I noticed a trend. All students were pretty disappointed at the budget cuts. They were engaged enough to sit silently and write letters to their state representatives. I began to think, are they writing these letters because they genuinely care, or is this just becoming another assignment to complete? So after my last class was finished writing letters, I opened it up for discussion:

Me: So, honestly, folks. How much do you really care about this? Is this important to you?
Class pauses to think, some students concentratedly lookin up, some students shrugging.
Student 1: Um, I guess half care, half not. I dunno.
Student 2: Yeah, me too. I don’t know, it’s always been like this.
Class unites, nodding their heads.

At this point in the day, 6th period, I became overwhelmed by my students’ capacity to accept a failed school system. And I noticed the same feeling every period. I tried to respond to their semi-apathy with some inciting, inspiring words. But all the sudden I started tearing up. Part of me thought, fuck, I should’ve taken my pill on time; the other part of me thought, fuck it, these tears just show how I truly feel about this. As I embarrassingly wiped tears from my eyes and attempted to fight that annoying hyper-ventilation hiccup, I told my students how important these issues are to me, that I became a teacher to reach every single student, that these budget cuts are practically making it a policy that not every student will have an opportunity at success. And I thought, maybe these policy-makers just assume that students don’t care enough to want to change this fucked up system – and, maybe they’re right.

The more I teach, the more I recognize – with painful disappointment – that students really have bought in to this idea that they live in a fucked up world and that’s just the way it is. I’m reminded by an episode of Project Runway, where Tim’s talking to a contestant about some stylistic choices. The basic gist of his story is that a person walks into a room full of shit and at first, he’s disgusted by the stench. A few minutes later, the stench still stinks, but not as much. Finally, a few hours later, the shit doesn’t smell so bad and the guy comes to think, shit’s actually not half bad. And my students – and all students across the public school system – have been living in, working in, and expected to learn in a system of shit. From an outsider perspective as a teacher and as a person who had relatively better resources in school, I can smell the shit from miles away. But my students have become accustomed to these conditions to the point where many have forgotten that they all deserve better, that yes it’s cool to be smart and successful, that it’s possible to make change.

But, I know – deep down -- my students care. And some of them, along with students of a homie teacher friend of mine – are in the works towards planning a Day of Action against the budget cuts, going down April 18. I think as an educator, I need to get beyond the anxiety of noticing students’ apathy, and give them the tools they need to see that they can make a difference in their world. So we’ll see. We’ll see!

ROUGH DRAFT begins

so let me explain my thought process, from front to back, on why I’m up at half past midnight starting a brand new blog:

1) I felt like I needed to reinvigorate my mind with inspiring words, and opened up bell hook’s talking back – a mix of essays, autobiographical pieces that reflect on how she, as a black female who grew up in the south, among religious and traditional folks, became inspired to become a writer. and much of it reminds me of many memories growing up – my religious dad, my intuitive ability to express myself, alongside my reluctance to share those ideas aloud. and so I thought: shit, I can do the same as ms hooks! which connects to
2) this random personality test (thanks, craig) that profiled me as an idealist, a person who should become a teacher (woot!), and a great writer. which damnit, I am! but do I have anything to show of it lately (as in ever since I graduated from college, besides writing a lengthy / somewhat boring masters paper)? No. I’m also at a point where
3) I’ve just recently turned 26, haven’t really put too much thought into what significance lies behind being 26. But – I do feel at a certain point in my life where I’m becoming more comfortable calling myself a woman and feel like I need to write down what exactly that means… that is, what it means to be at this point in my life as a “woman,” a teacher, a pinay, a partner, a daughter, an auntie, a sister, a person who’s just now getting comfortable with her value system and her direction in life… and
4) I’ve started this before but [and my personality profile gets this dead on), I have a tendency to not finish things. but goddamnit, I’m committing myself to this writing in hopes that it will inspire/re-invigorate my creative self, and perhaps, inspire others too….

so why’s it called rough draft?

whenever I tell my students to write I try to tell them a few founding rules: 1) start with honesty, and everything flows from there; 2) don’t worry about perfection – writing is a process and 3) write whatever comes to mind – whatever’s stuck in that brilliant mind of yours will find its way out…

so, in heeding my own advice, I will follow the same rules: I will be as honest as possible, I will try not to be focused on impressing any of you folks out there, I’ll try ont to edit too much, and JUST WRITE. in any case, my life’s much a rough draft anyway – so many ideas stuck in this big head of mine (no pun intended fuckers) that somehow keep being blocked from actualizing… but it’s gonna happen goddamnit.

speakin of ideas, let’s brainstorm some long awaited topics that I’ve been meanin to write about:
- where I am as a teacher right now
- the effect religion has had on my life
- how mothers (i.e. mine) are undervalued
- long distance relationships!
- coming back home after college
- …

whew. it’s now 12:53. will pick a topic and write soon. very soon.